I've given you some insight already in my earlier post as to why Rick caught my eye as a teenager. He was fearless and that drew me to him like a magnet. He was what I wished I could be, but with that came a host of differences that when not dealt with became a wedge between us. The very thing that drew me to him was causing problems. Was it his fault? Not necessarily. By revealing that he was everything that I wasn't tells you that I was not fearless, in fact the exact opposite. The cliche` "opposites attract" was true in our case.
Back to my epiphany. We were cruising along 84 East in Dothan with the speed limit at 55 and Rick was driving 40. Come on! I'm thinking, don't say it Sharon, just be quiet. But, I found myself saying it anyway. "Why are you driving so slow. The speed limit is 55." He says, "I know, I'm just taking it easy. I'm in no hurry." I know, your thinking....so?? Well, let me tell you. Driving under the speed limit is not Rick's forte. At lease, it wasn't in the past. Which is why I started off this story or should I say confession the way I did.
There was a time that he and I would have a battle of words, to say the least, over his speeding. I was so overly cautious in most cases that it bordered on neurosis. How's that for self diagnosis. I had at some point in my life become afraid of things that I wasn't afraid of as a child. So, the dilemma he's faced with...danged if he does and danged if he doesn't.
This whole scenario got me to thinking. I really have control issues!! I grew up being a dutiful child. No, not a perfect child but I did try and do things the right way. As much to please my mother as anything. As an adult I began to transfer that need to be perfect to expecting those around me to be so as well, even though I wasn't and knew it was an unrealistic expectation of those around me. I hadn't yet figured out that it was also an unrealistic expectation of myself.
My perfectionism, my need to be perfect, has only served to bring about these control issues, among others, like procrastination-a story within itself. I don't pretend to be perfect but I do have a certain way of doing things and I get frustrated when others don't see it the way I do. If they'd just listen to me things would be so much better. That's a contradiction in itself. I have a need to be perfect, therefore I'm not so why would the world be a better place if everyone did things my way?! Just like Rick's driving under the speed limit. I don't want him to speed but on the other hand....you get my drift?
A few of my pet peeves are:
- If I put time into a relationship with a friend I expect them to put the same amount of time into it also. Can friendships be one-sided?
- I have a certain way of cleaning my kitchen and expect anyone that cleans it to do it my way.
- I follow the speed limit and expect Rick to do the same. ( I have to say he's much more mellow these days. He's not the same old aggressive truck driver he used to be.)
- Thinking ahead while driving. I have a tendency to direct Rick while driving as if he's never driven before.
Isn't there a phrase that describes this behavior? Oh, yes. CONTROL FREAK!
So now I'm thinking, "Who do you think you are, Sharon?" You didn't speak the universe into existence. You didn't form Adam from the earth or make Eve from one of his ribs. You didn't die on the cross a perfect sinless person. Who died and made you God? Get over yourself!! (Of course, it just wouldn't do if someone other than God had talked to me that way.)
Whew! Do you know how freeing that is? To be relieved of being perfect? And then I realize, I was never expected to be perfect in the first place. He only expects my best. I don't have all the answers but God does. I can now hand control over to the one that has perfect will and perfect timing.
You know, I don't know why God doesn't just pick us up and shake the sin out of us. (I'm sure those that I expect too much of wish He would do just that to me.) That's how I see my control issues, as sin. It affects how people see me and the influence I have on those Christ puts in my path to bring to Him.
Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV
- Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
- Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
- Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
I'm a work in progress. I don't have it down completely but He's not finished with me yet.
What are your control issues?
~Sharon
What are your control issues?
~Sharon
Hmmm....I'm pretty sure you just described me....
ReplyDelete