Saturday, October 23, 2010
Forgiving Yourself
God placed the need for this blog on my heart some time ago. We all have stories to tell. Stories that speak of pain as a result of heartache, our sins, our selfishness, betrayal, abandonment, spiritual bankruptcy, fear, guilt, and the list could go on and on. The objective of this blog is to show how we have gone from that pain to healing by way of Christ and the help of our Christian family in order to help those who may be experiencing the same pain we have now overcome.
My name is Sharon
I am a minister’s wife, of 22 years. I didn’t marry a minister; I married my high school sweetheart. I was infatuated with his looks, his personality and his fearless outlook on life. He was everything I wasn’t but wanted to be. I was 16 and the whirlwind romance came to a screeching halt 3 months later. It changed to a dizzying realization that my life was about to change….forever. That’s when I found out I was pregnant. He had the option of turning his back on me but to his credit he insisted we marry.
In 1973 Rick and I were married at the church I was raised in for most of my childhood. This was the beginning of a 13 year rebellion against God. I didn’t see it as rebellion, but it was. Within 6 years I had 3 children. Our life was a mess, to say the least. Not because of the children but because of our immaturity and selfishness. We put ourselves first. We were more interested in pleasing ourselves than being good parents. We partied and had fun instead of paying bills. We moved on a regular basis and always struggled. We fought, literally, on numerous occasions. Our children witnessed things that no child should ever see. I lost count of how many times we separated. This is just the tip of the scale on what they went through.
Our children deserved a better life than we gave them. I’m not talking about having all the material things a child wants. They deserved stability, security, and safety.
This is the pain that I have lived with for the 24 years I’ve walked with Christ. Rather 23 years of those 24. It wasn’t until last year when a friend and teacher and minister, Mike-that fills in when Rick is gone-presented a message using Hebrews 10:22,23, “let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Be sure to read the whole chapter.)
I had asked God’s forgiveness for those sins, I had asked forgiveness of my children, but I had not yet forgiven myself. I think I felt that if I forgave myself that it would negate what my children had gone through, as if it hadn’t happened and by doing so deprive my children yet again of something they deserved-recognition of their pain. Maybe I even thought God hadn’t forgiven me, after all I didn’t deserve it. Who does that to their children and deserves forgiveness? But scripture tells me that as a Christian I can be forgiven when I repent. So when I fully accepted that forgiveness and saw in scripture that God was faithful to His word and because of that I could be cleansed of a guilty conscience, I finally was able to forgive myself and not live in that guilt.
Our past plays a huge part in who we are today, no matter what age we are. We have a tendency to let our past dictate our present and future in a negative way-which is what I did for many years, until I really came to know the Lord. But, with the Lords help we can change that negative affect to a positive one.
2 Corinthians 1:4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
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